Colleen Cappelletti

My Lovely Z4

2011-07-30T16:36:00.000-07:00

Zachary was born July 22, at 2:21 pm, after days of prodromal labor and 2 hours of active labor. My water broke at 12:20pm, and the doctor was called at 2pm, arrived at 2:10, and with one contraction baby was turned and cord removed from neck, then given a moment before pushed out the rest of the way. His heart rate dropped to 30 while in the birth canal, but after he was born his heart rate returned to normal. Those darn sunny side up babies. He was my only child to actually be born sunny side up but due to a very fast labor he had no time to turn, where as my other three all did.

He was 8lbs even, and 20.5 inches. My biggest baby yet. He is so gorgeous. We are in love, and I feel so complete.

Our other children and family members arrived at the hospital shortly after he was born for cake. We enjoyed a Curious George cake from where else, Borrachinis Bakery in Seattle. Zachary's Godfather is our good friend Tim who is also Zeke's Godfather.

His middle name is Austin, after Blake Shelton's Austin.

We went home at exactly 24 hours after he was born. I had some problems post partum with bleeding but nothing that is not totally normal for a fourth pregnancy. Four days post partum my blood pressure skyrocketed and I was put on meds. Funny how that only happens with my boys. I blame the testosterone. :)

He is now one week old and we are so thrilled.

Here are some amazing pictures:

Baby Droppin Music :)

2011-07-06T14:01:00.000-07:00

Well here we are at 37 weeks!

For fun today I did a little Baby Droppin Dance Session :)

Here was my Baby Droppin Playlist:

How Low Can You Go - Ludacris
Push It - Salt N Peppa
Walk It Out -
Get Low- Little Jon
Hey Baby Drop It To The Floor - Pitbull ft Tpain
Low Rider - WAR
Shake Yo Tail Feather - Nelly
Baby Got Back - Sir Mixalot

Dont know if it worked but it was sure fun :)

35 weeks

2011-06-24T11:26:00.000-07:00

Almost done cooking this baby! Can't believe how fast it's gone or how close we are to the end. I'm excited to meet this little boy but I'm also so torn because I know this is the last time I'll ever be pregnant again. I will miss these moments of carrying him inside of me, and the other kids of course. Each pregnancy has been different and unique, although my boys/girls pregnancies have mimiced each other as far as
Cravings and things went. With both girls I craved Mexican and never got sick. With both boys I was nauseated and gained less
Weight and craved burgers and meat and fresh veggies and fruit like crazy.

I remember with Zaynah I ate a LOT of taco bell, and taco del mar. I gained 60 something pounds with her and never cared. I lost most of te weight after she was born easily but I did gain some back.

With Zeke I craved burgers and meat. I loved homemade burgers, Arby's, and other meats. I was nauseated for 14ish weeks with him and didn't gain over 40lbs. I lost all that I gained during that pregnancy.

With Zoey I remember I wanted Taco Del Mar a lot but hardly ever ate it. At the end I ate fresh pineapple trying to get her out for several weeks. A lot of the time I was careful about what I ate and only gained 40lbs again. I lost all 40 of those lbs but then gained 10 lbs after her.

This pregnancy I was nauseated again until around 14 weeks. After that I just needed to eat meat. Protien. Yum! Towered the end I have wanted fresh fruits and veggies again and I've watched everything I have eaten although I haven't deprived myself. So far at 35 weeks I have gained 20lbs.

I'm excited to go back to my macrobiotic diet after the baby is born and start working twords a body I can be happy with and proud of.

Everything in the house is mostly ready although I dont have the house clean. I guess I need to start doing that. I went through some nesting periods and redid both kids bedrooms and we've made a spot for Zachary in our room. I have cleaned the carpets, and bathrooms over and over but the kitchen is super dirty right now. Just can't get close up to the sink and washing dishes by hand makes my back hurt so bad. Definitely getting more difficult for me to do much around the house, but none the less, kids wear clothes, need to eat and need to be disciplined when they do something wrong.

So in that aspect I can't wait to not be pregnant anymore. But, I do and will miss little baby kicks and rolls and hiccups. You can't really remember it after you aren't pregnant anymore.

Well, I guess that's my only update for now.

Things I Need

2011-06-12T11:29:00.000-07:00

Things I need right now:

The kitchen floor to stop being sticky.
My kids to learn to eat without dropping a pound of food under the table .
A shower without interruption.
Everything in this house that I don't want, to make it out the doors.
About 20 loads of laundry done, and put away on it's own.
Payday to come sooner.
Gas in my car.
My kids to all take naps today: at the same time.
All the bed sheets changed.
Everything for baby to be ready.
My body to feel better and not be sore.
The sun to come out.
Everyone in the house to learn to throw trash in the garbage, shoes in the shoe basket, and toys away. I'm so tired of this house being messy.

Zoeys Elmo Birthday Party

2011-05-29T17:23:00.000-07:00

Well today was the day! We had Zoey's 2nd birthday party. Of course Ive cried 4 times today, watching the damn slide show I made for her. :) She is sooo big!!

Id like to say that Ive got this party planning thing DOWN. My original budget for this party was $100.00. My total cost: $84.00. Booyah! I did a great job. :) And that was with 24 guests invited. Which means I spent $3.50 per person.

And here are some photos:

Also for fun, here is the slideshow I made:

Happy Second Birthday My ZO ZEE ZO ZO!!!

2011-05-28T11:27:00.000-07:00

2011-05-22T20:35:00.000-07:00

32 weeks, almost. I'm starting to feel the annoying "pain" of being uncomfortable when I'm lying down. Today I was doing the dishes and I was kind of laughing at myself because I couldn't rest my arms on the sink. My back was killing me, I had to hold them out straight on front of me while doing the dishes.

I am also exhausted!

Today we spent the day at home as a family. It was nice. I cooked all three meals and the kids were good. I enjoy the weekends because we can just be- not rush around from thing to thing.

I've been dreaming about decorating the kids rooms. Now that we are having two girls and two boys, we know the kids
Will be together and so ive been slowly buying/deciding on how to decorate the kids rooms. The girls room has white furniture and the boys room has black furniture. I'm excited to do the bedding and decor etc. Were slowly going through all the toys and getting rid of stuff and clothes and getting rid of stuff. There's so many things I'm looking forward to buying the kids but money doesn't grow on trees so you know, gotta take it slow! :)

This week is the countdown to Zoeys 2nd birthday. I camt believe she is going
To be two alteady! were having an Elmo and Abbie themed party. :). Low key but I'm excited for it!

Well that's all for now.
I'll update soon.

I am SO tired.

2011-05-18T19:44:00.000-07:00

Really.

I'm 30 weeks pregnant now, as I posted in my last post. I'm exhausted, and big but feeling pretty good emotionally which is really great. In my last three pregnancies I have had huge issues with Anxiety and Depression during my pregnancies. This time around things have mostly stayed in check, although I Have recently (within the last few weeks) had a few panicky moments, and I have been able to calm myself out of them. I am trying to set boundaries for myself, and be able to tell people when its just too much for me. Of course, I don't like to be disappointing, either.

I am really looking forward to our second sons arrival, but I feel like we are totally not ready. Even though I have a long term plan of the way the kids rooms will be set up, right now I cant help but want a nursery for Zachary. (Why does he need a nursery when he will sleep in our room for the most part, and then move into a room with Zeke? I have no idea). I guess it doesn't really make logical sense since I know he wont ever have his own room (at this stage in his life) and the idea of doing a nursery for no reason is dumb, when I can keep using that room as a playroom until later on... but I still want a nursery. It must be pregnancy hormones.

Things with the other kids are good. The younger two are great. Zeke is potty trained now, and Zoey is about to turn two and were working on potty training. Its exciting! Zaynah is still dealing with so much. Poor kid. We love her though and are working through it.

Tony and I are good. Just trucking through life.

Thats all for now, as Im too tired to sit at the computer chair any longer.

Colleen

30 weeks pregnant... ALMOST.

2011-05-16T18:11:00.001-07:00

The Big Reveal

2011-04-30T21:07:00.000-07:00

Easter Weekend Egg Decorating

2011-04-22T21:15:00.000-07:00

Almost Easter

2011-04-18T21:59:00.000-07:00

Planning a major event for 300 people its in less then two weeks, and Zaynahs birthday is saturday! Plus, I'm still pregnant, and raising three kids, no big deal. :)

Here are my kids going to see the easter bunny:

Sheesh! I didn't update since St Patricks Day. You must know how busy I am!

And here is a recent picture of me with the girls. You cant even tell I'm six months pregnant huh?

So much going on, I really should update soon.

Ciao!

Happy St Patricks Day!

2011-03-17T21:37:00.000-07:00

So much to update, and so little time so Ill be quick.

We are 21 weeks into our fourth pregnancy. I have a picture:

And today was Saint Patricks Day which in our house is a big deal because my family is Irish. I take the opportunity to make a big deal about it today. :)

My kiddos decked out in green. :)

Breakfast, Shamrock toast and green yogurt

Zeke eating his cupcake that I made special for Zaynahs class.

Dinner... green and orange.

Not much else is going on. Things are great at our house. Zaynahs birthday is coming up so I've started planning her party. At her request its going to be a Zhu Zhu pet party. :) Stay tuned...
Ciao
Colleen

Number Four

2010-12-13T09:43:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm sure everyone knows I'm pregnant now. Of course I wasn't really ready to tell the world, Tony was excited to tell his parents, and then mine, and yeah... one thing led to another and its out there. Im feeling okay except for some puking here and there, and some nausea, but I figured out if I eat every twenty mins and keep my stomach full I don't feel sick.

Happy Thanksgiving :)

2010-11-25T21:11:00.001-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving 2010 from our family. We had dinner with my parents and my sisters room mates, it was really neat and a great dinner over all. :)

Happy HALLOWEEN!!!

2010-10-31T12:34:00.000-07:00

Here is a picture of myself, dressed up for Zaynahs school halloween party. I will post some pictures as well of her party.

Later, I will try to get some photos of the kids up from Trick Or Treating! :)

Zeke birthday!

2010-10-31T12:19:00.001-07:00

Well, I havent updated in over two months.

Zeke had his third birthday party and it was a Buzz Lightyear/Toy Story Theme. Here are some pictures from that.

He did eat and ruin part of his cake before the party started, and I had to have emergency re constructive surgery on the cake. It worked out well though and it was a great time. He had so much fun. It was really hecktic with about 40 people in the house, but it was so worth it.

Amanda and Nick Thomas

2010-09-05T09:42:00.001-07:00

Well, they got married! There are so many pictures so I wont show them all... but here are some.

Final of My First Wilton Class

2010-08-26T15:22:00.001-07:00

Here is the final project for my first wilton class and some other things I've been working on this week.

Flowers for a wedding cake:

Happy Anniversary To My Husband

2010-08-19T11:07:00.000-07:00

Today is our fourth wedding anniversary. Going on Five YEARS of marriage. I can't believe it. It has been such a trip. I'm reminiscing today so here are some pictures of our journey over the past 4 years.

Zoey is born

What a Great Daddy

The kids at our first home

Our Son

Us Dedicating Zeke at church by pastor Al

Mamosas on Christmas Morning

Honeymoon

Our Wedding Day

I love my family so much!
Onto another wonderful year!

Catching Up...

2010-08-18T21:53:00.000-07:00

Well Im catching up. Today was quite a busy day, I have some pictures. This week I havent really had much time to blog so here it is in a nutshell.

Sunday, Tony and I went out to dinner. We actually missed a wedding by accident, and since we were dressed up we decided to go out for drinks. Here is a picture of me with some Sangria. Was pretty darn good.

Monday I had my third Wilton class, and we made cupcakes. I decorated mine with a few flowers we learned in class. The "Shaggy Mums" (ones that look like cookie monsters face or something...) are weird. We did the star ones, and the ones I did off the cupcakes looked much better then that one. Oh well. It was fun.

Zaynah had her second soccer practice. Here is a picture of her last week at her first soccer practice. So far she has had three practices and is liking it a lot.

Tuesday, I took the kids to the park. There was a sprinkler going because it was so hot. I think it was only 80-something but for us Seattle-ites, its pretty hot. The kids really enjoyed that.

Today, I spent the day cleaning out the garage, and cleaning up the weeds in the front little strip of dirt we have. I'm going to turn it into a garden of some sort, but I am adding some edging. Here is a picture of Zoey "helping" me with the rocks. She just really loved throwing them out onto the driveway and putting them back again.

And here is just a super cute picture of Zo-Zo. :)

I will try to update more later this week. Tomorrow is our 4th anniversary. :)
Colleen

Zaynahs first grounding.

2010-08-12T12:42:00.001-07:00

Well, Zaynah just got grounded today for the first time. She will be grounded until Saturday. No Friends, No TV, No Computer games, No Movies. Shes in Deep poo. I'm not happy about this situation, as when I asked her waht she did wrong, she didnt admit at first but said something completely different. I am very annoyed with this situation and even more annoyed at her behavior following the grounding. Sigh.

Colleen

Wilton Class #2

2010-08-11T11:32:00.001-07:00

Here is the cake I made in my second Wilton class. I'm getting kind of excited about maybe becoming a Wilton Instructor. Hmm... Could be really fun! We studied dementional icing, and since my mom is going to Hawaii tomorrow, I thought, what a great bon voyage cake!

August Showers Bring...

2010-08-11T10:32:00.000-07:00

RAIN! Amandas shower went well but it rained the entire time. Luckily it wasnt cold out, but it stayed around 65 the entire time. I made tea party food, and we had chocolate fondue. It was yummy. I guess my sandwiches didnt go over well, but my little pies and the fondue were great.

I think Amanda had a great time. Congrats girl, I'm so excited for your wedding!!!

Next up, Bachelor party.

Love,
Colleen

The Island/Beach

2010-08-06T12:47:00.000-07:00

Well here are some pictures to us this week. I've been busy going place to place. We went to Jetty Island with the kids and I got a bunch of pictures.

Tomorrow is Amandas bridal shower and I've got to prepare for it today. So I will post some pictures later of some things I'll be making for it.

:)

Thursday, and Chocolate Rasberry Cake

2010-07-29T21:12:00.000-07:00

Today the kids and I went over to a friends house and had a lunch with my girlfriends from bible study. Bible study is over for the summer, so as we caught up, it was wonderful to see everyone. I made a chocolate cake to bring with me, and it turned out pretty well. It had raspberry topping over it and powered sugar. I had spent the morning making it, and so when I came home the kitchen was a disaster.

Chocolate Raspberry Cake

When I came home, Tony had fallen right asleep. The kids played as I took a 20 minute nap and then attacked the kitchen mess. Zoey was so sweet. She sat outside the gate reading her book, watching me do the dishes. Today was a very good day with the kids. I really enjoyed them and I'm not sure why some days are so easy and others are so not easy. I guess it really depends on the kids moods, and mine. I spent the day thinking about adding another child into the family. I know the decision is not made yet, but it creeps into my mind at least once every day. Somedays I think I am totally crazy and another would just NOT be possible. But then there are days like today, where everything is wonderful and I enjoy the kids so much.

I'm leaving it up to God.

The kitchen is clean, and now I'm going to watch TV.
Colleen

Cakes

2010-07-28T00:08:00.000-07:00

Here is the finished Minnie Cake, with the bow. :)

They started melting, but it was pretty hot on Sunday. She said they tasted wonderful. I sure hope so!

Colleen

Water Fights

2010-07-28T00:00:00.001-07:00

The weather has been wonderful here in Washington. According to my iPhone it got up to 80 degrees today. I believe it. We played in the backyard with the kids in the pool and sprinkler. Although, the hubs didnt get out of bed until noon today and that was pretty much only to eat. He spent the remainder of the day on the couch not feeling well.

Here are some pictures from today's fun outside in the yard.

Here are a few pictures from yesterday's smores. We were outside in the yard for a bit but then I started to get eaten by mosquito's so we came in.

I better get to bed, its after midnight and morning comes quickly.
Ciao!
Colleen

WT Park

2010-07-25T21:08:00.000-07:00

Took the kids to the water park today for a friend of our's little girl's third birthday. It was really fun and cute. Here are some pictures.

Bachelor-ette!

2010-07-25T21:00:00.001-07:00

Last night we had Amandas bachelorette party! I cant believe she will be married to Nick in less than two months! I am very excited that I get to do her shower.

Anyway, here are some pictures from last night. We played pool, had some champagne, and other drinks ;), danced to Lady Gaga, had a spa night before going out and watched movies. Congrats Amanda!!! Cannot wait until her bridal shower thats in a few weeks! :)

Second Round of Minnie Mouse

2010-07-23T21:59:00.000-07:00

Here is my fondant attempt at Minnie Mouse. Tomorrow I will be baking the cake, and making the buttercream Icing to go inbetween, and under the Fondant... And then I will need to cut their little names out of icing :) We shall see how it goes!

Other than that, I had a great day today. Went to my counceling appointment and then hung out with one of the coolest Laurie's in the world. :)

Till tomorrow!

Ciao!
Colleen

First Clients!

2010-07-22T22:49:00.000-07:00

I got my first baking client today. Here is the practice cake I made...

The actual cake will be of Minnie mouse, and with a pink bow with white polkadots.

Here are some cupcakes I made today.

Here are some mini pies I made today. (Practice for Amanda's bridal shower!)

They are blueberry, and are sooo tiny. :) I am so excited.

Baking Central!

2010-07-21T13:59:00.002-07:00

Its been baking central at my house. My hubby bought me a new KITCHENAID mixer, and of course I must use it at LEAST once a day! :)

Here are some things I've been making with it.

And some other wraps and sandwiches just because.

Of course, everytime I turn around, Zeke is eating one of my creations off of the counter or the table. Haha. You've gotta be quick or that kid will eat EVERYTHING.

I'm going to try to make mini pies today so hopefully I will get around to posting that.
Ciao.

Me Love You-- Long Time.

2010-07-21T13:47:00.000-07:00

Well it has been FOREVER since I updated.

Here is whats goin' down @ the Cappelletti Castle.

First, of all. We moved into a new place. I should update with pictures. We FINALLY were able to secure a rental home. We are in love with it. Things are great. The girls are sharing a room together, and Zeke has his own for now. Here are some pictures. These are actually pretty old, and I've already rearanged the kids rooms.

Here is a picture of the firepit.

Heres the livingroom. Although, I already have dyed the couches. They are going to be black, and in the picture they are obviously blue.

This are absolutely wonderful in our house. :) I am so happy to finally have some space for our little ones.

I will be posting again in a little while of all the fun baking projects I've been doing! :) Bye for now.
Ciao.

Houses, Couches, Cars, Trips to Nevada...and more.

2010-05-09T11:41:00.000-07:00

It seems like every day Tony and I make less and less money. Its not because we can't survive or whatever, its because every day there is something else we can't buy.

We try to make our lives as simple as possible. After paying ourselves out of debt and living basically as simply as possible we are trying to move up in the world. Just a little. We're not trying to go on shopping sprees, or take trips across the world. We just want to live.

I feel like every time I turn around I get a "no" from someone or some-thing. We haven't been able to rent a house, despite prayers and looking for over six months. We want to buy a Van, not even an expensive one, just one that still works... a used one, and yet that seems impossible too.

Its so unfair how hard they make things in this world for the working class family. I am so tired of wondering what I should do with this or that. I'm tired of being left out of "family" vacations, because its so darn expensive. I feel like even when we THINK something is reasonable enough to pay for, once we get there, we realize, we just can't do it without putting ourselves back in debt, or sacrificing some sort of bill... and we dont even have a thin margin, its jsut the things we want cost MORE than our margin. A good couch set these days is over 1,000 dollars! I've tried looking on CL or garage sales but most of the time people want a third of what they paid for something, (IE around 500 dollars) and its a peice of crap or smells like cat pee.

Im tired of always hearing "no" to something. I'm tired of peoples expectations of like 3 times rent when you move into a RENTAL property. I know why so many people are HOMELESS. TO get into a flippin APARTMENT its like 800$ a MONTH, and they want you to have perfect credit, plus sign a lease to stay there for ever.

How is anyone supposed to raise a family here without being totally broke or feel judged because of how they live?

I guess I'm just annoyed because while we are "making it", all of our friends are making double the money, have double the house, plus an extra 3 bedrooms they don't need, and enjoy the whateverness of life. While Tony and I sit in our "bedroom" and I am IRRITATED.

I want a house with a yard, but people expect you to have perfect credit, which we dont. And they want 3 times the rent to move in, which we don't have. I dont know what to do except stay where we are, and save... but while we do that... we miss out on Nevada and Jetskis, we miss out on seeing family, we miss out on Hawaii. We miss out on a new(ish) car for more space. We miss out on all of the things that I so want. And I know its for the "betteR"... but the better isnt even buying a house, its just getting into a STUPID rental property! UGHHHHHHH.

I'm just frustrated and I wish someone could just wave a magic wand and everything would be better.

2010-04-08T21:10:00.000-07:00

Well we made it through last week. What a rollercoaster.

Between the anniversary of Madelines death, Tonys birthday, and easter weekend/holy week, our lives were kind of crazy.

Tony and I went golfing on saturday together which was a lot of fun. I was pretty sore the next day afterward though. My arms have not used those muscles in a looong time. Tony bought me a pink glove for golfing and that was neat.

For easter we decorated eggs with the kids and they had fun doing that with Joey. Zoey just wanted to eat her egg though and got dye all over her mouth and hands. :)

I made Tony a really great birthday cake. (Post pics soon). It was chocolate gluten free and decorated like a golf course! Really fun. My first real cake.

Zaynah has gone on several auditions in the past few weeks which she is such a natural! She is great in front of the camera! Hopefully she will get a call back for the one she did today. Here is us heading to an audition.

And then there is moving- working on saving up for a house. You know, its hard. Anyway, that's it for now! Baseball season has started so Tony and I are watching the Mariners pretty much daily now. Were watching them play the As right now! :)

Ciao for now.
Colleen

Things Are Getting Better

2010-04-01T12:47:00.000-07:00

Things with Zaynah are doing better.

I'm making hard boiled eggs right now for easter. I'm excited to be with my family for a full day and just be together.

I have been in love with my husband more than ever lately. He has gotten me through so much.

I finally got on an anti depression medication and after a month on it I am finally feeling like I can function again. Life is much better when you are not depressed and you can't think straight.

For some reason lately I have just been loving my children and my husband and want to be no where but with them.

Were planning Zaynahs 6th birthday party. I'm very excited to make a castle cake for her! Yay! Gluten free cupcakes.

Trying a New Recipe

2010-02-18T11:36:00.001-08:00

I'm going to try a new recipe tonight, Hoping to fool my family into eating more green.

Tonight were having Spinach salad with strawberries and walnuts. (If I can find them).

I'm thinking about having a side dish of Broccoli and Cheddar, and then possibly something else, I'm not sure yet what the main dish will be.

Here is the salad... It was SO GOOD.

Best Time Of My Life

2010-02-17T09:43:00.000-08:00

I just know I'm going to look back and remember this as the best time of my life- when my little baby was crawling around after her big siblings laughing, when my oldest was learning to read, and my two year old only wanted me all day long and would tell me "zaynahs trying to eat me". They are all so precious I wish I could stop time!

Its passing me by too quickly, and I never want to forget this.

The Circle of Life

2010-02-16T13:10:00.000-08:00

I'm sure lately you've been wondering how I'm doing as my Facebook posts seem mellow-dramatic and like I'm suffering from some insanity. Its true, I will claim insanity.

The results of the DNA test from my birth father were not as I expected them to be. I guess for a lack of a better term you could say I'm in shock. I really wanted this chapter of my life to be over with in terms of just moving on from the lack of knowing who I am and what I want out of life. Instead, I now feel torn up, and completely closed off from my family, from (some) of my friends. I feel like no one understands unless they have walked in my shoes. How do you explain to someone why you want to know your birth-father? You can't. Its like asking someone to explain why they do or do not want kids, or why they had kids. Its just for you or it isn't. For me, I know I need that closure, I know that about myself and I need it. I will not be a whole person until I know this. And for the function of who I am and the rest of my life here on earth I wanted that closure.

The idea that I might never know now what is happening or who I am... it confuses me and its pretty devastating to me. I thought I had all kinds of answers that I now do not have. And I'm sorry but I can't believe one person's word over genetics. People have been known to go into complete shut down mode after a traumatic event and although we'd like to believe what we're saying is true, I know there is a very real possibility that something could have been shut inside so deep, never to be let out again.

I feel badly that my sisters and my mom and dad are hurt by this journey but I have to take it. For me there is no other option. It is CRITICAL to my health, and I say that with seriousness because I really do need this to move on. I am starting to accept that it may be a very real possibility that I never will have the answers that I seek, however, if thats the truth, there needs to be healing there as well, and its a process.

Its funny how all of this in my OWN life results in my parenting my own children. Zaynah and I are now in therapy for our issues. We have been struggling since her birth to create a bond that most parents have with their children. I on the other hand, didn't not have that bond with my parents, so I didn't know how to give my child that bond. Having lived with my grandparents for the most critical years of my childhood, it was THEM I had the bond with, not my maternal or father figure. They loved me but I didn't have a parenting BOND with them. Its a huge struggle for us now because I have become resentful towards my child.

Our therapist reccomended one on one time DAILY. For the first few days of this I Was struggling with what to do or say. Its an awkwardness you should not feel with your own child. Just listening to her talk though I knew she needed me. She needs that time with me. She would talk to me for hours at a time if I could let her. The first day was just twenty mins. We talked about her day at school and then said our prayers together *like always*. The second day, we did twenty mins again but this time we also read a book, she read to me. I realized the second day it was easier than the first. The third day we went to our one hour therapy session and her therapist asked her some questions about her family and what she likes and doesn't like about her life. Today, I spent an hour with her. It was SO HARD. I'm not sure if its just because I'm bored out of my mind by the Kindergarten games we were playing or what... it shouldnt be such a struggle to spend alone time with my own daughter but it is. It is extremely difficult to sit still and not think "I could be doing XYZ." I kept telling myself OVER AND OVER again that THIS IS FOR HER, NOT YOU. Its so hard for me to SHUT everything off- turn it off at the door, ignore my cell phone, ignore the house, the other two kids *had to do it while they were napping*... to pay attention to ONLY HER. We ended up playing a few games from her math packet from school and she ketp saying how "Fun" it was. (I was bored out of my mind with the game but it was fun for me to see HER having fun.) All we did was matching like the number "5" to the card "Five" and then put them next to a picture of five fish. Boring, but she loved it. I think this one on one time if anything is teaching me to see how smart and beautiful of a daughter I have and that she really does need me.

Anyway, as some of you know we were trying to move, or not move... thats still all up in the air. I really have no idea what we are doing. Prayers regarding that would be great.

As far as my own health goes, I think I am kind of in a dark place right now. Luckily, I have a very supportive husband who is there for me through everything right now.

I'll update more later, I don't have all the time in the world, but thats the current in a nutshell.

Love always and God bless,
Colleen

Pain of Birthfathers

2010-01-09T19:56:00.001-08:00

I can not shake this.

The pain of not knowing your birth father.

I realize there are a lot of women on my friends list who are currently dealing with birthfathers, (Their own, or their childs) and this is a sensitive subject, but I honestly have to get this off my chest.

My mind is turning every single day, and it haunts me. I need peace and I need answers. The rejection I am feeling is so overwhelming that its becoming consuming. I am letting this consuming feeling effect my life and my relationship with my-- everyone.

I can't stop thinking about my birth father, or my child's birth father. I don't want my daughter growing up feeling the rejection that I feel- but I think its inevitable. She is going to ask me the questions that I am asking myself right now. Why is this person avoiding me? Why does this person not even want to know me? Why am I not good enough? What did I do wrong? What did my mother do wrong?

Its not even about that either. You see, my logical mind knows that my daughters birth father made the decision to not be involved in her life because for whatever reason, his priority could not be her at the time, and because I was getting married, she would have a stable father in her life. I know for a fact that he does (on some level) care about her- and he does someday want a relationship with her. BUT, it wont matter that he has missed out on her years of life. It wont matter to her that he wants a relationship, all she will feel is rejected that he didn't chose her, and instead chose his life. SELFISH.

Now I'm a grown woman, but my six year old self wants redemption. I want my birth father to make up for the fact that he missed out on 23 years of my life (almost 24). I want him to care that I am his daughter. I want him to call me, and thank me for the card I sent him and say how pretty I am and if I look like him at all. I want him to STOP BEING SO SELFISH with his life and tell his wife and family about me. I am NOT the one who made the mistake of getting three girls pregnant all at the same time and I'm not the one who has to be ashamed of that, but unfortunately I get to deal with the consequences of that. I get to not know my 3 half sisters, and 1 half brother. I don't get to know about my family's history, or see photos of people whose GENES I HAVE. This makes me so angry.

I'm happy that I kept pictures of my ex. I know that if Zaynah ever asks me where she came from I can confidently say to her where she comes from, her genealogy, her history. I can tell her anything she wants to know (for the most part). I can even show her pictures of her biological dad, her uncles her grandparents. I can explain to her their religion, their beliefs, and how I made the decisions to care for her wellbeing... but.. one thing I can NEVER explain, is her fathers choice to NOT be there.

I am not him.

And I am not my biological father either.

For that reason, I really am growing hate in my heart. Hate for selfish people, for "excuses" for not being there. For not having that relationship. I am trying so hard to overcome that with Jesus's love but it is SO hard when I feel personally REJECTED.

I am growing love, for step fathers, and "real" fathers who are there, who do care, who put their entire lives on hold to care for someone ELSE'S Baby, and who actually raised me/her/those other children.

I have such a happy life now, and yet my heart is broken, because I can't share that with someone who helped make me.

My heart is broken because I can't share that with the person who helped make my daughter. And for some of you reading this you probably wont understand why I feel that way, because he isnt a good person, he isn't good for her, or me probably... but my heart will always break for my daughter and for my ex, and for me, that we will never have memories together. Its not a romantic thing... its just the way it is. Its not even that I want a "Family" with him- or them, I would NEVER change my family now for anything... It just sucks that it has to be the way that it is. And I know that God did not mean for us to have families outside of marriage... because family is the number one most important thing in this world, and marriage is the head of that family... its just indescribable the love you feel for your husband when you see your baby for the first time... and you know what that birth father is missing out on? That love. And he can NEVER get that back. Most of the time though, its the child that suffers.

Anyway I'm going off on a tangent right now but I just had to get this out... I cant shake this pain, though I wish I could. Only God can heal me from this, and I wish he would soon, because I'm really tired of thinking about my birth father all the time.

I just want him in my life.

M.... I wish you just knew what you're missing out on...

As the holidays approach...

2009-12-19T09:02:00.001-08:00

As the holidays are slowly creeping up on us this year, (Christmas is less than a week away)...

I am feeling reflection on my life and what I want for the future. I have come to the realization that my life is pretty great. My husband is pretty great. I constantly let my past reflect on the way that I treat him, when in reality, he is such a good husband. He does not deserve my constant ridicule of him or the way MY feelings of constantly being beaten down, I take out on him. In reality he is such a wonderful provider, and yet I feel as though I am cheated out. I realize that it is NOT because of him, but actually so many other aspects of my life that I need to learn to let go of.

I'm thinking of the future, and how much I do really want to move to a house this summer. I want our next christmas to be in a house. I know reality speaks that we will not have enough to BUY a house, but we could move into a renter and still be happy. I think thats probably what will happen but, ever since we have moved into our condo, and are experiencing MUCH more financial freedom, I see a huge difference in Tony. I do not want him to be under the burden the way he was at our last residence constantly feeling pressure from making ends meet. This is why I have decided, I am going to get a job. I am thinking, I would really like to work a part time, mornings only, 4 or 5 days a week, job. I'm not sure how I will accomplish this yet, so I have yet to tell Tony because I want to have a plan of action. (IE- where will the kids go, how will I accomplish this.. what kind of job do I want.. etc). I know the criteria I want to meet.. I also know how much I'd like to make.

I'm not going to feel guilty about this. Zeke is almost 3, Zoey is going to be 1 in May. That gives me about six months to figure this out- stop breastfeeding, and then I think my children will be able to handle being away from me a few hours a day.

This would have to change a lot for this to happen. I wouldn't be able to drive Zaynah to and from school, well possibly pick her up, but would not be able to drive her. I will have to figure out who will be there to get up with my kids in the morning, feed them breakfast, etc. If I had my ideal situation, I'd like to work 6am to 11am.

Also, I feel that this would help take some burden off of Tony if we did get a house, Id like to be able to at least make the difference between what we pay in rent now, to what our morgage would be. I think that I might have to lose out on some of the things I'm doing now.. (IE Bible Study, Mops, working Zaynahs class...) I just have to figure out which of these things I'm willing to give up... Because I'd have to be available for a job. Or maybe, I could work 1 evening a week and still do one of those things. Anyway I'm not sure if this job even exists. But, Im going to pray about it, and hopefully God will show me the PERFECT job that meets all of this criteria.

On a totally separate note... I'm feeling pretty upset about my "Father" (in quotes because per DNA he is still "M.Petersen". I don't understand why its been a year since I told him that I'm his (probably) daughter... and he still cant answer simple text messages that say Happy Thanksgiving. He cant just say "You too"? You know-- Id really like to get the DNA test over with but I don't have money like that to just shell out. Its so retarded that he is in his 40s and cant come up with 300$ to find out if I am his kid- and he refuses to really accept that I could be until thats done- which means, its been another YEAR we don't know each other.. another year of my life that I Really don't have answers that I need to move on with my life. I've been having weird father-daughter dreams and its probably a manifestation of how I'm feeling about my own retarded relationship with my biological father. I need answers and its pretty sad that I cant get them from SOMEBODY.

I just want to feel happy- a consistent happy.

My doctor left the clinic we usually go. Its a long story but I am extremely Dependant on her and now I'm basically feeling out of control, and feeling like a chicken with my head cut off. I cant even make a simple 6 month checkup for Zoey because I feel like, well, no other doctor is good enough. I guess I will see Dr Lou but... I want my old doctor back. With all the health problems I have had I just trust her so much and I don't know how I will ever find someone I love and trust as much as her.

Well thats all for now. I will update more later.
Love you all,
Colleen

Hello

2009-11-12T20:29:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone!

I hope everyone is enjoying this Thursday night.

Tonight for dinner I made baked chicken, seasoned with celery seed and salt and garlic salt. I think next time I will leave off the garlic salt, as it was a little TOO salty, but the celery seed added a nice effect. I made peas with it, and buttered soft bread. I really need to figure out how to make bread for the husband... I feel so bad when he doesn't eat very much. Zoey enjoyed the peas I think but was bothered by the texture. I didn't blend them but just mashed them and the skins were still in it. Yesterday I tried to have her try green beans and her face was hilarious- it didn't go over too well.

This morning I started my day off by reading the bible. First I read Ephesians 6:10-19. The passage is about the Armor of God. Then later on, I asked God to reveal a passage to me, and he did. Isaiah 12. The part that stuck out for me was Isaiah 12:2 Surely God is my salvation;
I will trust and not be afraid.
The LORD, the LORD, is my strength and my song;
he has become my salvation.
Interesting how these two are so in correlation to one another, yes?

After I read, I worked in Zaynah's classroom at school. We made pictures using the kids fingerprints and thumb prints. It was quite exciting. It inspired me for things in my own house and I let the kids play with play-doh today, which went over well. I am on a mission to let them do more things that are fun. I'm so tired of this (playing in their rooms all the time anymore) boredom. I know I used to do stuff with them all the time but with the new baby I kind of forgot about what I did before hand.

I had my post op appointment today with my surgeon and things are looking good as far as after gallbladder surgery. I'm so thankful, I was finally able to eat a real meal today. Everything I have been eating has been plain, bland food. Yuck!

I'm finally getting in a schedule with all three kids that works for me, and I am loving having the three kids (most of the time).

I need to get another book so I can read in bed. I am going to read a few more books from Dr Laura. I really enjoyed the last two, (The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands, and 10 Stupid Things Couples Do To Ruin Their Relationship) Both really good.

In our MOPS book study we are reading Transparent by Sarah Zachariah Davis. The book is good so far, but I'm only in the third chapter, so its hard to get the real gyst of it.

Tony is watching golf and I am entirely too bored to sit there and watch it with him.
Anyway, I'm off for now.

Goodnight!
Colleen

Updates

2009-11-07T10:46:00.000-08:00

Hello!

Well, I am doing very well emotionally lately. I have begun to realise that I actually do have exactly what I need in life, and I am exactly where I want to be.

I had my gall bladder out finally on Wednesday. Today Im having horrible stomach pain, and I'm thinking I'm either never going to eat again, or I need to find a very simple diet as to avoid any grease of any kind. I just wonder if that will have an effect when breastfeeding?

Zoey has started solids now. I have been making her food, which I love, it lets me chose exactly what goes into her foods. So far her favorites seem to be "Oatmeal" Which is really Organic rice cereal, with organic banana, warmed up. She loves it for breakfast. I have also had her try carrots, sweet potatos and peaches. She has loved them all. One day I mixed apples into her "oatmeal" and she loved that too.

Tony and I are taking a six week Love and Logic course, and it is AMAZING. Things in our house are getting better by the day. It is so important to find a parenting style that works for you.

Anyway, this is a lame update, but my stomach is killing me and the baby is crying, and I am supervising chores so, Id better finish this up. Ill try to update more often.
Colleen

Things are better...

2009-09-14T20:46:00.000-07:00

Things are much better today. After my last post Tony and I talked for about four hours. Neither of us have been to happy lately and even though my vent before was crazy, I needed to get those feelings out onthe table.

Truthfully though I havent been so appreciative of my husband either. Once you start feeling taken advantage of, you start acting like you dont care about the other because they dont care about you-- and pretty soon both people are resenting the other.

We finally talked things out and things are a lot better between us.

On another note, our son turned two today. I cant believe he is TWO years old.

Tomorrow I have my appointment to be tested for parkinsons disease. Ohhhh man. Its kind of crazy and nerve wrecking but really I just hope I get some sort of answer... its been tearing me up for months now.

I wear my heart on my sleeve, and aparently Tony doesnt know how to read tee-shirts.

2009-09-12T21:10:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure how long you can keep being happy when you feel used in every direction.

My husband only pays attention to me when he wants dinner-- or sex. Its really hard after a while to keep feeling loved when the TV is more important than you. If the baseball game, football game, golf, Poker... etc etc etc. I mean, seriously- any of the "games". I am like a statue in the room- or the hired help. Whichever he will prefer at the time.

My children are needy. Granted they are five, two and three months... but I feel like I'm a cow, (For milking purposes, and for body fat), and a maid-servant. I'm there to listen, but not be listened to. I'm there to make dinner, and breakfast, and lunch, Quickly-- I Might add... nothing is quick enough. I'm there to cloth them, change diapers-- Oh countless diapers... and yet nothing is done for me in return. I guess the coos from the infant, and Iloveyou's from the other two are sufficiant but they never come enough.

I'm not sure how to talk about my life anymore without complaining. I guess I'm just tired of feeling like a fly on the wall. I'm not sure when my husband will get with the picture, when he will realize that I don't give a SHIT what "game" is on TV, I need him to deal with his daughter because he LOVES her not because he "isnt going to" or "Doesnt want to" or "is too tired" Or "too busy". IM sick of the excuses. Im sick of him being an asshole to me-- oh except when the house is empty for five mins and he "Needs sex". Whatever.

Shouldnt sex be something like "Making Love"?? Is that what its called? Id rather not. Its weird coming from me because normally- and in my entire life, I have always been very in the mood- more so than him. But now, I feel underappreciated, unloved, and used. Why would I want to be vounerable with you?? I dont.

I feel stupid having to vent this on a blog, but let me tell you something about me; I wear my heart on my sleeve, and aparently Tony doesnt know how to read tee-shirts.

Goodbye for now.

<3 Ciao Bella.

Dinner with Family-- And Talking About Books.

2009-08-12T17:48:00.000-07:00

I've been writing a lot over the past year. I'm having dinner with a friend of my sister in law who actually is a published writer. I'm going to talk to her about my writing tonight.

We are finally moved into our new place. Its been SO busy, and although I LOVE our new place, I'm already sick of it (for the moment) because of the amount of CRAP in there. I need to finish unpacking. :)

Anyway, I'll write more later, I just realized its been a while since I've written.

<3 Colleen

sunday night

2009-08-02T21:29:00.000-07:00

We missed chirch today, we're in the midst of figuring out moving and everything.

Tony and I spent the day together- the ebtire day. It was sooo wonderful. My mom took the two older kids to the lake an we kept zoey with us but she slept the entire time pretty nuch. We organized and cleaned our condo. We donated about 15 bags of clothing and 2 bags of toys to the good will. We cleaned the carpets and got so much done it was crazy busyness but I just loved being with tony. No matter what we do together- we just love it and love being together all the time.

Tomorrow we meet with the landlord and I guess we have to decide what were going to do; move or not.

I'm watching megan wants a millionaire... I'm tired, today has been exhausting.

carpets get sooooo dirty!

2009-08-01T15:54:00.000-07:00

Man, today we started cleaning our carpets at our condo. We have no idea what we are going to do about moving. I have it in my mind that we are and tony says he wants to see what our current landlord says. Last night he was saying he might lower the rent but I don't know yet... I feel like we should move to the cheaper place, you know? Anyone want a nice condo for cheap in woodinville? Ha ha.

Anyway, I'm tired and I just want to start packing or at least know what were going to do.

Ill keep yall updated.
Colleen

confusion with moving- and so sick of crying babies...

2009-07-31T21:58:00.000-07:00

Zoey has been crying all day today. I think she is going through a growth spurt or something because she has been so cranky and eating non-stop all day.

The apartment/condo thing we went to look at (its basically a duplex I guess). The place is bigger than our current place but 350$ cheaper than we currently pay. Well our landlord is pissed but we are waiting until monday to make this decision. I'm so confused. I guess the best thing to do is just pray about it. I don't like being in limbo or waiting for things. I am a very go with the passion type of person. When I feel something is right, I go for it.

Sonetimes I guess I just need to be patient and wait for the right answer.

For now,
Colleen

horoscopes

2009-07-31T09:26:00.000-07:00

I get my daily horoscope sent to me. I'm not an avid believer that they are law or anything like that but I think they are fun. Today my horoscope said:

"Stop putting your desires at the end of your to do list."

Hmm. If only I knew what my desires were things would be much easier.

Day 4? Without Blackberry-- Passions

2009-07-30T21:04:00.000-07:00

Well this entire week I have been staying at my inlaws house because they have air conditioning at their house, and it has been in the 90's even at night. The hottest day so far has been 105 degrees. (Oh man it was hot).

I have been doing fairly well. I havent spoken on FB or POD or via text or blackberry. I've been trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing in life, and let me tell you I did hear God speak to me today.

Our lease is up tomorrow on our condo, and we are supposed to sign another year long lease on Monday with our landlord. We had an opportunity today to look at a house for rent, so we looked at it, but beforehand I actually prayed to hear Gods voice and feel his presence inside the house. I prayed that when we walked into the house both Tony and I would know exactly yes or no, which God was trying to tell us. Both of us felt immidiately a strong "No". When we were leaving that house we thought about another house we had seen for rent, and so we drove by it to see if it was still for rent. It wasnt, but the man who had rented it out said that the space above him was available and was bigger than his space. So I made a call to that Landlord but the call didnt go through and I will try again tomorrow. I figure if that does not work out, we are meant to sign our year long lease and not move. God clearly gave us a no to the first place and if he does to this one as well then we wont be moving. We'll see what happens.

As far as figuring things out for what I am doing with my life, I still dont know. What I do know though is this: I want to have a REAL PASSION for whatever I want to do. Tony has had an experience where he KNEW that he finally knew what he wanted to do the rest of his life until he retires, and he will do it. I am so happy for him and its so great to me that he has had that feeling. I want so badly to have this feeling like "this is what I'm meant to do"... I have yet to have that feeling. I'm also terrified of not finishing what I start because I seem to never finish anything.

I had someone tell me I should go to the Art Institute for Fashion, or Art, or whatever. I so badly want to have a degree, but Im so scared that I wouldnt finish. I didnt finish my other school(s) because for whatever reasons, I didnt like it, or other things took priority. I want so badly for that not to happen again. I think what I need is a real passion, something that I know I wont ever change my mind about. Something that I know for a fact I will finish school for because I want so badly for it to be my job, for my life when my kids are in school. You know? I'm not sure if I will ever know what I want to do. I have so many conflicting thoughts.

I need to pray that God will give me that realization of something that I truely love and wont just be "good at". I need to feel that passion, never ending passion, for whatever I do. Let me tell you though-- I've got PLENTY of Ideas. :)

For now,
Ciao Baby.

who i am?

2009-07-28T21:41:00.000-07:00

Does it mean something bad if who I am includes a tech monkey brain? Is it bad if I love my blackberry- okay love is a strong word.

I've got to say, I have a gorgeous family. My kids are amazing, my husband is perfect for me, and I'm not so bad. I'm just holding zoey, looking at her beauty and wondering why she is so pretty. But, she is and so is zaynah. And zeke really is a beautiful little boy. My little zekerz boy. There is something so special and amazing about each of my children. I really have been so blessed by their presense in my life as a mommy. I really do love them so much.

I know I am always saying I want to be a better mother. I really think that just most simply involves becoming selfless, and putting them first.

Day One Blackberry Free

2009-07-27T11:43:00.001-07:00

Well last night was pretty difficult. I felt a little out of sorts not being able to surf the web on my blackberry, or go on FB/Pod, etc.

Fortunately because I had no choice, (haha that sounds really bad) I was able to sit on the couch and watch some TV with Tony. I fell right asleep once my brain was on idle. Normally I would have been up for hours reading pod posts, or facebooking people or messaging Leah. I realized I actually just need to stop the noise in order to go to sleep. It is possible for me to sleep- I just need to stop the distractions.

I have a feeling I am going to figure out a lot of things just by shutting the noise out. I have had so much technology in my life, I got my first computer at age 8 years old, and I would play that damn lemmings game, and chat with people. Seriously... I dont remember life without a computer, except in LA with my grandparents. I never had a computer there and I always slept, I always had friends (I would be outside gardening, chasing lizards, be at the water...) I always had a good time... maybe because I just did things instead of sitting at home with my computer not facing the world?

Last night I did have some disturbing dreams though.

And today I actually CALLED Leah and that was weird. I am not used to hearing her voice... we talk on Messenger every day but today I used the phone. What a concept right? I was thinking about how if I want to talk to anyone I will have to call them.. Haha. Its not going to be easy for me, but maybe this experience will be a good one.

I've already noticed that I am already WAY more tuned in with the kids than I normally am... and I havent been getting as frustrated that they are "interupting me"... Hmmm. Maybe I've been doing this SAHM thing all wrong...

For now, Ciao.

Golfing and Medical Testing

2009-07-22T15:43:00.000-07:00

Tony and I went out on the golf course yesterday. I had never been before (to actually play). Here are some pictures:

I did pretty good but it kicked my butt. I was pretty sore when we got home but Im already jealous that he is out with Tim today golfing. Bummer :(. I wish we could go every day... Id be in excellent shape for sure!

My test for the auto-immune disease came back negative. Which means now they are going to test me for MS and Parkinsons disease. Im pretty frustrated, I just want to be healthy. :(

Anyway thats all for now.
Colleen

Im letting Go!

2009-07-22T15:20:00.000-07:00

Sunshine on Sunday

2009-07-19T20:28:00.000-07:00

Well today was fun. Tony went to play golf up at Kayak Point and I spent the day witj church and then spending the day outside. Luckily I put sunscreen on my kiddos but tony got completely sun burned. Its actually pretty funny looking because he has a triangle in the center of his chest from his polo.

Khalil and I sat together at church. Phil spoke about what God expects of us. He referenced micah verse six chapter eight. Really it was good to hear about. Phil always has good things to say. I actually missed the end of the service though because I got paged out for zoey. Ill have to go look online for the rest of the sermon.

Anyway we had a great dinner with the family and tomorrow zoey has an appointment for an ultrasound on her hips. I have to go all the way into seattle for it though and I hate the city.

Well I'm off to watch Runs House.

Ciao.
God bless,
Colleen

my visit to the doctor

2009-07-16T23:11:00.000-07:00

I saw my pcp today. Things went good. Luckily she doesn't think I have Ms but I am going to go see a neurologist. She believes that I may have this auto-immune disease that is treatable but it has to be diagnosed. They did some lab work today to help figure it out.

This whole week we had vbs at school. It has been exhausting but fun as well. I am so tired! Today after church and my doctors appointment, we went to the music at the park.

The secret...

2009-07-12T16:34:00.000-07:00

Its not like a big deal but I've been keeping something inside for a while now. I am thinking I have something neurologically wrong with me. Lately I've been getting ticks, in my left side mostly. I'm having a hard time with things that shouldnt be difficult. I got a referal to a neurologist a while ago but I havent gone. I was kind of hoping the symptoms would go away. Unfortunately they have just gotten worse.

My fingers have a hard time connecting with the keys I need/want to type. My left hand will twitch, especially in the last few fingers or at the wrist. I have a tick in my neck where my head will go slightly to the left, in a jerky sort of way. My jaw constantly hurts, and my neck. I've been getting other twitches like in my arms, or in my face. I'm worried but Im trying not to think about it at the same time because lately Ive had so many issues wrong with me that I just would rather there not be one more thing. You know?

Anyway... this weekend has been good. I just wanted to type that out.

mariners and tori and dean

2009-07-07T19:35:00.000-07:00

Today I met up with some women at church. It was nice to have some fellowship with women I love. We also painted together and worked on some art stuff. I need to figure out how to post pictures so I can show what I painted.

Our normal Tuesday night small group is on hold as our hosts are out of town for a wedding. Tony and I decided just to stay home instead of meeting with our friends. I think were a little tired. Mostly Tony but I wouldn't complain about a lazy night at home once in a while.

Were watching the mariners play Baltimore, and then ill be watching Tori and Dean.

My stomach kind of hurts today, either gal bladder or stomach but its in that general area.

Anyway that's my update for today. It sucks updating from my blackberry. I'm getting a curve on Monday. Hopefully that will help somewhat, my pearl is pretty small. I'm trying to convince Tony to get a blackberry so we can berry messenger all day, but he is reluctant. :)

For now,
Colleen

failing miserably

2009-07-06T20:43:00.000-07:00

Well I'm failing miserably at my bible for a year challenge. Saturday was the 4th of July and I completely forgot, by the end of the night I was toast. Sunday we spent the entire day with my family at the Flight Museum in Seattle which was great. By the time I got home I fell asleep reading my passages and now I have to read three days worth tonight.

Tonight were watching the Mariners game. Tony seems to be getting more and more into sports which is great, but I wish we were out playing it, not watching it on TV. I've asked him to take me out to the golf course so I can play a few times. We really want to start playing together on a regular basis and eventually go on a resort golf trip.

For our anniversary, in a few months he has asked me if I'd like to take a trip, money permitting. He gave me two options, and I'm in love with both so it will be hard to choose, though I'm already leaning towards one.

Also, with the talks of us getting transfered, I've been researching the different areas and I'm liking Texas and south Carolina the best so far, though we don't get to choose. California is also a great option.

Anyway, that's it for now.
God bless,
Colleen

music at the park

2009-07-02T20:24:00.000-07:00

Well its gorgeous and I'm laying in the park listening to the glorious music while the sun shines.

I'm with good friends and got to eat subway and red gatorade. So happy that my friends are with me and that my husband and kids are having a good time too.

Yesterday I read my first passage in the bible for my bible year. It was really hard to focus, but ill try again tonight with my second passages.

I am so thirsty right now. I need to start drinking much more water. I need to start implimenting that with my kids as well. Water water water.

Well, zoey is 8lbs 15oz, up a pound. She also grew an inch and a half. She is sick but doing well. I can't wait to get past the needy baby stage and into the fun stage where she is more playful and stuff.

Well, that's all for now. I'm exhausted and I am going to go relax with my husband.

God bless, and ciao!
Colleen

Midnight Snacks

2009-07-02T00:46:00.002-07:00

I love when my daughter wakes up for a midnight snack. I toasted myself one of my famous grilled cheese and egg sandwiches and made myself a cup of tea while I cuddled up with zoey and we had our midnight snacks. Being a mother has such sweet rewards and one of them is the little moments of quiet when no one else is around. She has such big eyes, and I don't even care that my sandwich has gotten cold. :)

Midnight

2009-07-02T00:46:00.001-07:00

Wednesdays and the bible year

2009-07-01T09:30:00.000-07:00

Well a couple of us from church have decided to try to read the bible every day for a year. Starting today. I'm excited to start this. I've always wanted to read the bible all the way through and supposedly if you do this you will.

Last night at small group I kind of blurted out a bunch of stuff going on with me and my emotional turmoil. It was hard for me to come out and say these things to anyone but I had to get them out. I felt like I had been harboring those emotions for so long and I really felt so captured by them and I felt like a weight had been lifted a little. I'm still so confused about my life and my past and where to go from here but at least I have a family that I can talk to, and they hopefully are not judging me.

Later today Zoey has a doctors appointment. Ill update tomorrow on how she is growing and all that good stuff. I am sure she is doing great although she does have a cold this morning.

Zaynah is going to play with her friend Charlotte today so I'm sure she will just love that.

Zeke and I will just hang out but maybe ill take the kids for a walk, I don't know yet. Well see :)

Anyway have a good day, I'm off to coupon, read the bible and clean this messy house.

God bless, Colleen

Small Group

2009-06-30T11:37:00.000-07:00

Tonight is Tuesday, which is code for small group night. Im excited because more friends will be joining us tonight. Im really thinking that this will be a good thing, but Im also not sure. We'll see. I'm really feeling weird about some things but maybe I'm reading into things too much- or wrong. I'm already sad that we are taking a break from chior but they are starting a womens church group- thing- walking- thing on Wednesday nights.

I have a dentist appointment today when yesterday I woke up with one of my wisdom teeth wanting to burst my mouth open, in pain. I needed to get a cleaning anyway so we're doing that and Zaynah is going with me.

The Fathers On My Mind

2009-06-30T10:50:00.000-07:00

Lately it seems like I've been having a lot of issues, and if I didn tknow any better, Id say they're "daddy issues".

Actually one day a few months ago I called him up to tell him that I think I'm his daughter, I think he probably wanted to pee his pants right then. He really had no idea about me being his daughter. Im not sure exactly why my mom never told him, I guess he had a daughter with another woman at the same time as my mom was pregnant with me. I have this like half sister.. (And from what I understand there are more also...)

I dont know why I'm typing this right now. I guess my problem isnt with him anyway, its with myself. I know he doesnt want to know me, or is "confused" like a child about what to do with me in his life or rather-- not in his life. I feel like as Im writing this I dont even know what to write. I'm in denial? No.

Maybe that should be a question mark after that "No".

Whatever. Like I said, I'm confused. I'm confused about the fathers in my life. God the Father, my Father Michael Peterson. My father Jim Williams. My, "Babies Daddy". The father of my children, and husband...

All of these people have issues with me -0r me with them rather. I wish I could solve all of these problems in one day, in one moment because my mind is racked with the ways... I cant even type a complete sentance. Maybe its because I'm typing this while also watching TV and laughing at how I wish I had some sort of dreamy future. Which I dont. Forget it.

This blog is almost becoming depressing because I'm not able to even talk. BAH!

I want all my daddies in one room so I can just yell at them at fix all my problems at once. Michael Peterson, if you even remember my name, maybe you could pick up the phone and call me. Or maybe you just don't care.

Wow Its Been A While!

2009-06-30T10:19:00.000-07:00

Its been a long time since I've written! Zoey is a month old now. Thats right, my gorgeous daughter was born on May 27th, 2009. We named her Zoey Vienna. Vienna in reguards to the place and also the Billy Joel song. I've always loved the name Vienna ever since I saw the Sound of Music when I was a little girl. I kind of wanted to use it as a first name when our son was born but now that we have two Z's I had to go with another Z name. So, Zoey Vienna it is.

Things are going great right now in our little lives. Tony is working on his training for his transfer to the Dreamliner. Of course he misses the 767 but the Dreamliner is a great opportunity for him where he will have seniority. I miss him all the time when he is at work, but what else can I do?

Zaynah will be starting school in the fall. We picked a great school here in Woodinville, a public school, and decided on only half day Kindergarden. Zeke and I will be doing MOPS and Bible Study again, and that will be two days a week for him at church. Zeke will be turning two in the beginning of September, which is great, Im excited to start planning his party. Although, Tony kind of gets to plan this one since I went all out on birthday number one.

Well thats all the update I have for now. I swear I am going to start updating this more, soon. Regularly. *I SWEAR!* :)

Z's Times Three :)- Update!

2009-04-09T14:13:00.001-07:00

Well as you may know, my little Zhood of a family is turning into three here soon. I've decided on Zoey Vienna. (Oh wait- WE have decided. Meaning the husband and myself ;)).

Some crazy things have been happening with my family and friends and if you follow my facebook, you're probably aware.

First, I found my- maybe- biological father a few months ago. Eventually I'd like to fly down and meet him but with the lovely financial situation I'm in currently its not exactly convienent to just fly down to LA. (Of couse- You know I'd love to MOVE there if it wasnt for my lovely husband who I just could never leave behind, but, he is so happy here in our little town, he would never leave).

We'll I'm pretty over being pregnant. Im going to head to the salon today to get something done to my hair because I've had this borning, drab, completely-over-it hairstyle since september and I'm sick of it. So, wish me luck that it wont come out completely ugly.

I'm also head over heels in love with my life right now and I'll try to update this blog more recently. Did you know that if you google "Colleen Cappelletti" I'm the first person that comes up? My Myspace, Facebook, and Blog. Its pretty interesting.

Anyway, Ciao for now!

Could I Have Been, A Dancing Nancy?

2008-12-17T14:56:00.000-08:00

What ever happened to this girl.
The one who wore 7 jeans, even though they were expensive, and painted her face and dyed her hair crazy colors. What happened to this girl who drove around in her Jetta at night looking at the blue dashboard with her baby in the backseat listenin to Dave, or going to and from her boyfriends house in the city... or anyones house for that matter.

What happened to the girl who wrote blogs and took webcam pictures of herself for myspace, and talked to people online a lot.

Where is the girl who took pride in making her own money and spending her own money? Her ways were hers to do.

Her freedoms were hers, and hers alone.

What happened to the girl who drank wine in the summer, and took showers with boys who probably weren't worth her time? Who played the games of I dont care if you dont love me, even though Im miserably infatuated with you...

What happened to the girl who enjoyed her friends at work because they were fun and brought out the fun side in her? What happened to this girl who used to go to the mall...

Why did she leave me?
Is she in there anymore?

I know she still loves Dave Matthews.

I know she still loves her wine, even if the last glass was that summer. I know she lives in me somewhere but doesnt come out... even if she doesnt even own one pair of Seven for All Mankind anymore... they've all been thrown out.

Another Day

2008-07-11T19:50:00.001-07:00

Today I spent most of the day wishing I was a millionaire. Of course, you know that didn't happen. Although, Tony and I really came up with quite a few ideas of how to become millionaires, and although they were great, they were already taken.

I'm so bummed in the fact that nothing seems to be going right. I know that is sort of an oxy-moron when GOD is in control of our lives, and therefore, everything is exactly as it should be... but I'm not happy. Which leads me to believe that happiness is directly related to the acceptence of God being in control of your life. You would think that if you knew that everything was as it should be, you would be always happy. Correct? Food for thought.

I guess humans have a tendancy to want to be more than they are at any given time. I know thats true for me always. I try to accept the things I have but normally it doesnt go that way.

Anyway, I write this at almost 8:00pm, and my house is all asleep. So sad, since its a Friday night and the sun is shining. Its 80 degrees outside, and I'm sitting inside the house, alone and bored. I should really be taking this time to mow the lawn or something, but frankly, I just don't care.

We met with the owners of our house tonight and although I wanted to badly to speak my mind, I couldn't. For lack of a better word, I was tounge-tied. I couldn't speak, I couldnt think. Nothing. Serves me right.. I should just deal with this for a while longer, and then leave.

Well, I hope everyone is having a good Friday night. I wish i was out in the sun doing something but I'm not. Not only am I not in the sunshine, Im not even doing anything.. I'm going to try to figure out how to watch TV on my laptop. I still dont know how to do that... *sigh*...
I'm bored.

My headache is still going today... I think this is the seventh day in a row I've had this headache. Its soooo annoying! I miss the good old days where things didnt hurt!

*sigh*

Well, Onto day three I guess.. This night is closing.
Colleen

The Pilot

2008-07-10T16:12:00.000-07:00

Well, what can I say?

My name is Colleen Cappelletti. I am a twenty-two year old, wife and mother of two. Zaynah, a four year old beautiful delight, and Zeke my ten month old son. My husband is Anthony, but goes by Tony, and I call him Tone. Together these people make up what is my life and in the middle of it all, is the one and the only God.

Right now we reside in The Greater Eastside of Seattle, WA. My husband is a Boeing 767 Wingling Mechanic, and I myself am currently following my guiding light, which is leading me no where in the work feild. I'm starting work on Monday at a childcare/preschool in the area, but I'm not looking forward to it.

Right now, we live in a fairly large house, that we believe is too big, and we're moving somwhere smaller... somewhere is the key word, because we don't know where that somewhere is, yet. We're waiting for God to guide us to the right doorstep. The search has been going now for a few weeks and although we have seen many different properties, the right place has not been brought to us, yet.

On the sideline, I'm in the process of starting a boutique, that I really dont know if it will ever become a reality. Its called Just Jade, and its made of only organic and eco friendly fashion. Its a start, but really nothing is done at all. I've had to call it.. not quits, but, deffinetly a pause for now as I start work at this preschool to try to make some money. Maybe someday Just Jade will actually exist in reality.

Anyway, thats a little background for you. Hopefully I'll update this often and you'll be able to learn more about me as time goes on. Although, I cant promise anything. I'm sort of afraid of these blogs since I used to have livejournals and everyone always bashed them. (Everyone meaning, old friends who I no longer associate with.)

For now,
Colleen